Season Finale

Every season comes to an end, inviting a freshness of new growth and change. I am so pleased to announce that a season that began for me about a year ago is finally coming to an end. I first posted here when all of this started. Truth be told I have struggled a lot with being fired from my old job. It destroyed a part of me. It was one of the most devastating things I've endured, but at the same time God has turned so much of it into good. I have met new faces, enjoyed hanging out with new kids, accepted my faults, gained insight about my heart, and faced some of my own demons. It's been one hell of a ride, and it's just finally winding down.

I have felt absolutely lost several times in the last few months. It's been hard for me to nail a direction down, and quite honestly, the needle in my compass is still quivering, but it's settling. I will be going back to school in January. I'm still not sure what path I'm going down, I'm just going to start with learning to be a student again. I have been incredibly blessed to have a job doing medical billing for my Step Dad's practice, which I can do any time from any where thanks to the internet. I continue to get my kid fix thanks to the awesome families I sit for. I really do have some great kids in my life. They keep me young, keep my perspective fresh, and remind me to not take myself so seriously.

Today was a big day that was the first big step in moving through this season. Last night, I offered to help a friend paint her house today(this never actually got done). She called me this morning and told me her 3 year old really wanted to see me and asked if I would go pick him up at preschool. Not a problem. Save for the fact that his preschool is my old job. The place where it all went down. The place I can't drive by without getting the sickest feeling in my stomach -- where I can't even think about without the bitterness and spite boiling up. So I told my friend I would be there. I had a couple of hours to prepare. I honestly did my morning crossword puzzle and got ready as normal. Then I stopped and asked/begged God for guidance and help on this one. I knew I couldn't go in there without Him. Plus, I called my tribe and let them know what was up. They all supported me. The biggest encouragement came from my friend who invited me along. She told me she believed in me, and she would be right beside me, solidly.

Preschool got out, and we were right on time. We ran into another parent in the parking lot, which I don't think was an accident. God has done this time and time again, the whole putting people at the right place at the right time type thing. I was nervous as hell, but when I saw her pull up I knew it was another person who knew my heart, trusted me with her children, and would also be standing right there. It was so nice to walk in with those two women.

My brief time in the building was mostly uneventful. Two of my former co-workers appeared genuinely happy to see me. One stopped to give me a hug. Two acted like I didn't even exist. My ex-boss saw me too. The look on her face was truly priceless. I'm sure she didn't wake up this morning expecting to see my face in her hallway. Either way, hello's were exchanged, the secretary said hello, and we were out the building.

Like I said, pretty uneventful. The fact that I went inside, huge. My dear friend pointed out later in the car as I acknowledged the two who didn't acknowledge me that they probably felt guilty. Honestly, I think that's exactly what happened. It's not like I want everyone to feel guilty for so wronging me -- which is said with complete dramatic flair. I don't know what it's like to be a part of the character assassination that happened last January because I wasn't there, but I know what it did to my heart, and I can't imagine the people present left unscathed.

Tonight, I forgive them. I forgive my boss for her inability to manage people -- the very words she spoke to me in our conference before I was terminated. I forgive her youth and lack of experience. I forgive the women who gossiped. I forgive the ones who listened to the gossip but didn't stop it. I forgive the parents who heard the gossip and questioned me. I forgive the women who didn't stand up for me. I forgive myself for not being perfect and for not taking care of the small deals that paved way for a big deal. I forgive us all for being human. I forgive God for the times I felt there was no way He was there. He was. I see it now. I just forgive, and there is so much freedom in that.

I'm really excited for the upcoming year. 2009 has been hard. That's not to say 2010 won't have it's own challenges, but I look forward to a brand new year to do grand new things and to practice what I've learned in 2009.

Big Ten.

It's Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving because it means friends, family, and gratitude. It would be incredible if I could stop every day to savor the things I'm grateful for, but honestly, Thanksgiving would lose some of it's appeal if that happened. I do gratitude lists here and there, but Thanksgiving allows for a deeper look at things that rock despite what the surface looks like. So here's some gratitude in no particular order.

1. Jesus. Oh yes, I went there first. I'm so grateful for what my life looks like today because of what Jesus did for us so long ago. That I don't have to run around earning grace. That it falls freely and covers us all because He made the ultimate sacrifice. It's not about liturgy, rote prayer, or rules. It's about love.

2. My family. I absolutely love and adore my family. I'm sprawled diagonally on the couch right now (THE best spot on the couch) missing them so deeply. My body threw a curve ball, and I can't fly to meet them. I am so grateful to be a part of a family that means so much to me that I miss them this much.

3. Girlfriends. I have been incredibly blessed with amazing women in my life. Women who laugh and cry with me and pick up the pieces when I feel shattered. Women who visit me in the hospital because they know what loneliness does to my soul. Women who speak truth to me because they care about me and not my feelings.

4. Modern Medicine. I'm so grateful that as technology has advanced so has medicine. I'm grateful strains of things that used to kill people have been eradicated, and hope remains for cures for the terrible things that can afflict our bodies.

5. Technology. This is pretty broad and vague, but I'm grateful to be able to connect with people in new and brilliant ways that were unheard of 10 years ago (Facebook, Twitter, Text Messaging, etc.). I refuse, however, to let modern technology replace the exchange that happens in a face-to-face conversation with a friend.

6. Wealth. I am so blessed, and I take it for grated all the time. I wish for more money and more possessions, forgetting there are children and families fighting for pennies. I'm grateful for organizations like Compassion and Food For The Hungry that allow us to share the goods and bless the poor.

7. Church. I love Heartland Community Church and what it means to be a part of the bigger church. LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

8. Freedom. The depth of our freedom as US citizens escapes me a lot -- until I hear about someone who died doing something I do every day, or saying something I say every day. I'm grateful for the liberties I have to speak my mind, to worship as I want, and to earn a living. We are so blessed and so rich.

9. Transportation. This could be a technology one, but I'm counting it as something separate. I'm grateful for planes, trains, and automobiles, for the opportunity to see God's creation without having to walk or row thousands of miles.

10. My 5 Senses. I'm so thankful that I have eyes that see, ears that hear, a really strong sniffer, fingers that feel, and a mouth that tastes. I can walk, talk, laugh, sing, listen to music... the list is endless, and I'm so grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

To hold you over...

I'm linking to a contest for a bunch of cool stuff from a really funny guy.

I will update this thing with a REAL post by the end of the week. I promise.

Let's Box...

Healthcare Reform. I'm going there. I usually keep my thoughts and opinions to myself regarding hot issues because 1. I like to win, and 2. I suck a debating and therefore usually don't win. I won't be quiet on this issue. I will never tell you how to think or believe, but I will tell you what I do.

I have Crohn's disease. I've linked to the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America, which funds and supports research for Crohn's and Colitis, as well as provide educational information about the diseases. I won't waste time here to explain something that is explained better elsewhere. I will, however, take the time to talk about what living with Crohn's means. It means that at 27 years old, I have over $10,000 in medical debt, and I have ALWAYS had insurance. It means I pay an arm and a leg to KEEP this insurance. It also means that I pay around $400/month for prescriptions, and my body makes it really hard to work enough to keep on top of any of this. My parents financially support me. Without them, I have no idea where I would be. So, yes, when you ask if/why I live at home, it's because shit needs to change, and God blessed me with an incredible family.

I was in the hospital twice this past month. Two back-to-back 3-4 day stays. During each stay a "financial counselor" marched her ass up to my room to ask me if I could put money down for my stay. She encouraged me to call family and FRIENDS to get this money. She forgot to look past the fact that I was 1. sick enough to require hospitalization and 2. completely unable to give her a penny.

So, when you say things don't need to change, I will beg to differ. And if you have not experienced chronic illness in a loved one or yourself, I will ask you to first, shut up and get educated, and second, you might be the first friend I call to pay that $10,000 bill -- after all, it will get worse if things don't change.

Like I said, I won't for a second tell you who to vote for or what to believe. But kids, shit needs to change because none of this is right. Part 2 will include what it's like to deal with Medicare on a daily basis through my job, but I don't have the energy for that right now.

Mama Cooksey!

I have the World's best Mom. No lie. She's the greatest. She's beautiful for beginners, and she has a giant brain. She's incredibly bright. Now, having said that. Sometimes there seem to be neural connections that just don't get made. It's probably because there's SO MUCH activity going on upstairs that there just isn't enough energy to complete the jump. Mama Cooksey is Wonder Woman. Actually, Wonder Woman doesn't have shit on Mama Cooksey. She is in charge of a medical billing giant (or just her husband's practice), heads the team in charge of all the teenage girls at church, and is the best Mom ever -- all day, every day. It's a lot of work. Today, Mama Cooksey is celebrating another anniversary of her 29th Birthday. Happy 29th Birthday again, and again, and again... and again!

I honor of my wonderful Mom, I'd like to share a few stories of what it's like to be raised by the World's Best Mom. Stories like how we went on a lot of road trips when we were kids. Every Summer, Mama would load herself in the Jeep with her 3 kids (us) for a trek across the U.S. We went to exotic locations such as Washington D.C, Atlanta, San Antonio, San Diego, Phoenix, and Custer, South Dakota. On 98% of these trips Mama Cooksey either got a speeding ticket or... lost. That's right, lost. I don't mean in a "I have no idea where I am" type of lost. It was more of a "Damn, I should have taken that exit and now we have to go 20 miles out of our way" lost. During these "lost" periods, we learned a great life lesson: how to be still. And absolutely quiet.

Recently, Mama Cooksey was in town for Mother's Day (which happened to share a weekend with my brother's college graduation). We learned the importance of being flexible and creative. Mama Cooksey's incredible creative brain naturally and effortlessly invents fun when the Cooksey kids really suck at Badminton. For instance, after a Birdie was hit and successfully soared over the net (there were very few of these) and landed on the ground (there were a lot more of those), Mama Cooksey would lift up her goal post arms and shout "Touch Down!"
The most remarkable thing about Mama Cooksey, aside from her Chuck Norris-esque strength, is her silent laugh. Mama Cooksey loves a good joke, which is good because her three kids are really funny. We know we've said a good one when we get the silent laugh. It involves about 30 seconds of silence, followed by a jovial high-pitched shriek. It's one of the greatest things you will ever witness. Good thing I caught it on video.



Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you SO SO SO much!

She's so HIP!

This is a long overdue tribute to my one and only wombmate, Lindsey. She had done a couple posts about how awesome I am. I have done zero. Honestly, she's not that funny. Haha, just kidding. She's SO funny it's taken me this long to truncate it into a post. She and I have shared a lot of things. Things like clothes, food, already chewed gum, bedrooms, and a completely inappropriate sense of humor (as she has mentioned, but needs mentioning again).

One thing, however, that we don't share is an awesome pose. The look-left-and-put-your-hand-on-your-hip-with-an-extra-touch-of-sass pose. This pose has been invented and perfected by Lindsey. Naomi and Tyra don't have shit on this pose. It's untouchable. In fact, I was hesitant about sharing information about this pose because it is killer. Deadly, in fact. If you imitate it, you will die.

Moving on. I've created a collage of this pose. I had 17 pictures on my computer of her in this pose. No lie. She's serious about looking good. I chose 5 of the best examples of the pose -- in one of them, you get a glimpse of what Lindsey will look like pregnant and sassy. It's scary, go call your Mommy now.


I love you, Baby B!

To Notice

Edit: I originally wrote this a good month or so after reading "The Noticer" the first time. I just read it again, and I have goodness to add. Just get this book, open your mind, and forget that it says "self-help" on the back because it's not a self-help book. It's a book about perspective and the beautiful way our relationships with each other can encourage growth. That is all.

Andy Andrews has a new book out called "The Noticer." It's an incredible book that challenges the reader to offer a perspective change to people in your life. It changed my perspective of my own life. I've been incredibly blessed to have "Noticers" placed in my life at various stages. These people have spoken truth into my life when I have been absolutely incapable of seeing it by myself. My life has been radically blessed by these people who have offered a fresh perspective when I've been too focused on my own problems to see the gifts in my life and the talents in my heart.

Andy Andrews has an incredible story. The book starts with Andy in one of his presumably darkest places. His ability to rise above this no doubt is due in part to his Noticer, Jones. It's a simple story with profound ramifications. It challenged me to be a Noticer, to offer perspective to my struggling friends. As a book, it was beautifully written, quite an easy read, and it has already been passed on to dear friends.

I really challenge you dear friends to pick up a copy of this book and start Noticing. It changes everything, and invites a delicate spirit into your life.

Nancy vs. Tonya, Round 2

This evening Cate & Joanie brought over frozen custard. I asked them if they knew who Nancy Kerrigan & Tonya Harding were.

Cate's reply, "Is she [Nancy] related to...Jason?"

Nope.

Nancy vs. Tonya

I mistakenly thought the entire world, or at least American world, knew about Tonya Harding hiring her ex-boo to club Nancy Kerrigan in the knee. I thought this was common knowledge. Apparently, it's not.

This evening, Travis and I were watching "World's Dumbest Criminals" (because that's the type of quality television Travis wanted to watch) when Tonya Harding popped up for a commentary. It went a little something like this:

Me: "oh snap, it's Tonya Harding."
Travis: Silence.
Me: "Travis, do you know who Tonya Harding is?"
Travis: Silence + a dumb look.
Me, hitting Travis in the foot: "TRAVIS! How do you not know who Tonya Harding is? She clubbed Nancy Kerrigan!"
Travis: "Are these like political people. I don't really watch the news."
Me: "No, no, no, no..."

So I googled the WORLD CHANGING event (yes, I realize it wasn't that big of a deal except I love me a good cat fight) to make sure I got the details correct as I relayed them to Travis. His comment, "Yeah, 1994, I was 5." I'm old. FML.

In case you, like Travis, are just a pup, this is what I was referring to.

The Green Sheet

In the fall of 1999 I was entering my Junior year of high school. I had a bomb ass English teacher named Mrs. Kerr, who handed out a green piece of paper that we were told to keep forever and ever, amen. I kept mine. This green sheet highlighted important grammatical rules to remember and never forget. Our lives depended on this green sheet. I knew I still had mine, but I officially found it in junk room #1 about 10 minutes ago. In honor of my bomb ass English teacher, I share some of her wisdom:

• Do not use the following "bad" words:
  a lot, stuff, nice, thing, things, got, gotten, you, your, yourself, weird, kinda, sorta, nice, something, very.


• Towards is not a word.... it is toward. (Note: spell check thinks "towards" is a word.)


• Do not start sentences with "There is" or "There are...." BORING!!

Mrs. Kerr, thank you for your prodigious efforts in schooling a bunch of unruly teenagers. The English Language commends you. Also, please don't grade my posts. I'm allowed to have errors.

Lists

I have a junk room. Actually, I have 2 junk rooms. One is my old bedroom that is piling over with 10+ years of stuff I've been holding onto for God knows what. The other is a collection of boxes in the basement from when I moved home a year ago. I only confess this to announce that I'm cleaning out my closet. I'm throwing crap away, giving a second life to things I forgot about and donating the rest. It's been a strangely liberating task. I will never deny that I keep things. Things that meant something for a season gone and forgotten and mean nothing now. Things that I'm afraid of throwing away because I don't want to forget the memories. Turns out I have a great brain, and I've learned the greatest and most important moments in my life will never be forgotten - regardless of how many relics I stow away.

In cleaning out my old bedroom, I came across three lists I made during a class my second year of college. I don't remember the topic, but I remember making the lists. The first list is a list of ten things I would do (in order) if I found out I had six months to live. I wrote: visit all continents, do service, include the special people in my life in my travels, move back home, make amends, write letters to everyone (I didn't specify who 'everyone' was), spread the gospel, give stuff to Goodwill, work out, and play soccer with my old team. I'm mesmerized by how little this list would change today with all the changing and growing I've done in the six years that have passed since the list was penned. It validates my heart.

The second list was a list of five things I would like to accomplish in the next three years (2002-2005). The list read: healthy, school - BS in Psych, financially dependent, work out & get back in shape, and become more tolerant of differences. Turns out none of those things have happened. I, surprisingly, don't feel anything negative about the fact that none of these things happened. I do have a list of five incredible things that have happened that knocked the original list out of the ball park. They are: getting sober, reconciling familial relationships, building a relationship with Christ, becoming active in my church community, and rediscovering my heart. The irony is that these incredible things happened when I didn't have a clue that they needed to happen. It's beautiful how life works that way.

The last list was of lifetime goals, which I discovered were very superficial and indicative of where I was at in my life. I wrote this list almost an exact year before I entered treatment. I was a lost little girl whose only direction was whatever direction everyone else was going in. That's not to say I wouldn't still like to accomplish some of these goals. I'm just saying that they're not that important anymore because I've discovered the joy in the things in front of me. My goals in 2002 were: an LDS temple marriage, husband, children, move to the East Coast,6-figure salary, Grad school, complete a marathon, Psych degrees, own home, emotional baggage dropped, Dean's List, open a pet shelter in Logan, Utah, travel to Europe.

I'm throwing these lists away. They served their purpose years ago, but are now just pieces of paper. I don't even really want to write new lists. Today, I'm totally content with just being in today -- save for the 103-107 degree heat indices.

A Year Later

I'm stuck in nostalgia right now, and I'm just going to stay here for a bit. I can hardly believe a year has passed since I started my internship last Summer. May 18-August 3 was the longest 2.5 months of my life, and it changed everything. I'm still reeling from some of those changes. My heart is certainly different now than it was a year ago. My life has done a 180. I don't even have the same job. I went into last Summer knowing my life would be rocked, but also being unable to imagine how. I was content in every aspect of my life, save for the working myself to death and having no time for Rest. Capital "R" Rest involves Jesus, for those of you with questions. I spent my life hopping from activity to activity, assured that life was supposed to be spent at such a frivolous and meaningless yet consistent pace. The funny thing is my life has done a complete 180, but it's not all been for the better. I've fallen in a few important areas, but have gained pace in others. I think what I'm discovering is that it doesn't matter. I can sit ravaged by what I've done in the last year (and even undone), or I can keep moving forward.

One thing I learned last from LTP was my resilience. I get back up, or as Travis Gilbert, a dear intern friend, says, "Rachel Cooksey gets shit done." And I do. I have a stubbornness and determination that means I will be fighting until the very bitter end. Today, for example, I was with two girls I nanny on our way to their Curriculum Fair at their school. It's an open house of sorts, showcasing projects they have worked on all year. We parked a fair distance away, so we starting hoofing it toward the entrance. We were literally about half-way between the car and school when the sky opened up and POURED. Honestly, I love rain like this -- except when I have myself, two little girls, and an expensive leather handbag to keep dry. Yes, I was worried about the handbag, too. It instantly became this moment where I realized we would either be turning around and riding it out in the car, or we would get to the school as dry and fast as possible. We were out, so we just kept going. We arrived at the school pretty wet. My entire right leg & back side were drenched. Leah's hair, sweater, and shoes were wet. Hannah just had wet legs & shoes thanks to her raincoat. The odd thing was, though, we were the only ones wet. No one else seemed to get stuck at a midpoint without gear. I had this idea that there would be a ton of wet children in the entrance, and we would just laugh it out. Not the case. Instead I had this instant sense that I didn't make the right decision. I also wanted to show everyone how much wetter my clothes were so they knew I at least attempted to shelter the children. Maybe I'm terribly too self-conscious, or maybe this school has a rather smug parent population. Either way (and a little bit of both to be honest), I felt judged, and it stuck with me.

I felt judged for a better part of the Summer. I was instantly defensive because I felt thrown into a mix of people whom I had little in common with. I felt like the token misfit. This beautiful thing happened, though, as I started sharing life with these people. I saw commonalities. I felt a sense of community that will be with me for a long time. I'm not saying it happened right away. The internship was almost over by the time I felt comfortable enough to share myself. I've found even more commonalities since the internship ended. On August 5 our relationships become different. We weren't forced to know each other anymore. Our relationships with each other became a decision, and it was in this decision I realized how much I had blocked my heart from others. I saw that relationships had blossomed between other interns where I still felt a gap. That's not to say I didn't walk away with deep-rooted friendships because that's not the case. There's an unspoken understanding and flow that happens when two or more interns are gathered. It's incredible to be a part of THAT which I can't describe. However, it feels different, and that's not to say I even know what the other feels like. I can just see it on other people's faces. And I have no one to blame but myself.

It's like walking into the elementary school with two drenched kids. It's this overwhelming feeling of complete failure. Like I had this brilliant chance to be super nanny and show up for these kids because their mom couldn't, but I showed up wet. I forget that the showing up part matters, but I can't get away from noticing how wet we are. I feel like I ended the Summer wet. I was there, it happened, but things weren't right. Therein lie my regrets. I spent too much time trying to be someone I wasn't. I swear. I smoke. And I love Jesus something fierce. Somehow, I didn't think these things fit so I pretended parts A and B didn't exist and focused on C. I just didn't find it fit to ASK part C, Jesus, for a little help. I finished the internship. I'm a girl who commonly doesn't finish. I jump ship when the waters get rough, but I ignored the waves this time and continued sailing. I rode it out. I struggle with feeling like I let the people who hired me down. I feel like I didn't give them who they hired. I gave them some pompous ass, shell of a person, too scared to show her heart.

There's a lot to take in, and those in charge told us it would be this way. That a year later we'd be in complete disbelief at how much our lives changed. Tonight, I totally believe them.

I have a heart to pray for the incoming interns. Pray. Pray. Pray. I pray for the ones who feel different, other than, and judged. The beautiful thing is that we're all in the same boat regardless of what our stories look like. Sin is sin is sin. And God is Jesus is Lord.

So Excite!

I've been on a roller coaster of a journey since the beginning of 2009. A lot has happened since I got fired of my job in January, but has all served as a huge reminder of Who really is in charge. I spent the rest of January and most of February in a job-hunting, depression-filled fog. I still managed to rake in money babysitting, but my heart was never where my feet were. I went back and forth between wanting to continue to work with kids to feeling like I was fooling myself thinking I was gifted in that area. Turns out the latter was just my mind lying to me. I had to fight off a lot of the negativity that came from the whole situation surrounding my termination. I had a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse over things I didn't do and things I could have done differently. The blessing is that today I know things have happened exactly how they were supposed to. It is absolutely incredible to experience God using pain for growth and for good.

I am incredibly blessed to be able to work for my Step-Dad's medical practice remotely. That has been the largest blessing of them all. It gives me routine and structure during the days I'm not babysitting or doing other things. I forgot what "other things" I liked to do. I have an enormous list of dear friends that have been snubbed and relationships placed on the back burner because I was too lost internally to have an ounce to give to anyone. I pray the relationships that matter will stay, that they aren't too far broken to be repaired.

I feel a little restored which is ironic tonight because I feel exhausted. The list of people I want to see and share life with goes with me everywhere, whether I'm working, sleeping, or playing. I know I can't tackle it all in one day or even one week, but I'm taking a serious look at my schedule and beginning to add moments with these people.

Originally this post was going to be just a list of five things that have excited me lately, which is what's coming right now.

In no particular order...


An assorted bag of Jelly Bellys is AMAZING. It's like a million desserts in tiny morsels of deliciousness.


My Dad, who is a landscape architect, let me have the window box on the back of the house to plant whatever herbs I wanted. This is a huge deal because he's usually very particular about what he plants. I'm excited that I picked out all the plants (lavender, rosemary, and dill) all by myself. We're also planting vegetables in the back. I'm so excited!


I love office supplies. Seriously, Staples is one of my favorite stores, and I could spend money on all sorts of junk I would never use. Actually, I would find a use for it. Regardless, I love going office supply shopping.


Last night I had dinner at the Hammonds', and it was a great night! The weather was absolutely perfect, and I mean perfect. No humidity, perfect temperature, light breeze, and no bugs. We ate delicious burgers that Aaron grilled, and then we talked and laughed our tails off. I love moments like that!


We recently made a trip to Phoenix to hang with my Grandma, aunt & uncle, two cousins, and their cute families. It was such a fun weekend. My siblings and I are a lot younger than the rest of our cousins, so we are getting to know them as adults, which is so much fun. I really have a great family, and I am so grateful for each member!

FACEinHOLE

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Why no, I won't share my earbuds with you.

TWICE this week, I've been asked if someone could borrow my earbuds. Without hesitation my response has been, "uhm NO!" I now feel the need to explain. I first want all of you to grab your precious earbuds & look at the part that goes in your ears. Some of you will notice nasty ear-juice residue left on your earbuds. My explanation is over. I don't want my own ear-juice residue in my own ears, yet alone YOURS.

Sick. Now click this to find out why you need to invest in alcohol swabs & do some disinfecting. While you're disinfecting, don't forget your cell phones either. Think of all the crap on your cell phone that regularly gets smushed up against your skin. Again, I say SICK!

Today's lesson is now over.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm proving to be a bad sister because I haven't responded to my own twin's genius. Fear not, it's coming. I just struggle because she's not nearly as funny as I am. KIDDING!

103rd Street

I remembered something hilarious today. A couple years ago we were pulling off the highway at 103rd Street. My Grandma was in the car, and I'm not sure who was driving. As we approached the light at the end of the off ramp, my cute Grandma saw the sign that said "103rd Street" and kindly remarked, "Oh, one-oh-three are-dee Street."

I can't drive on 103rd to this day without thinking about her. Hilarious.

Name Twin.

This is dated. I forgot to publish it. It's a month old, but I love my beloved Ray Ray, so I'm posting it now.

My beloved name twin made me just giggle tonight. She brings so much joy to my life on a regular basis, and tonight was no exception.

We were chatting after New Community, and I was commenting on how loud worship was on my ears. I told Ray that I had just gotten tubes in my ears, and she looked at me, then goes, "I wanna see!" & proceeds to look in my ear.

I laugh, explain that the tubes are in my ear drum, therefore you can't see them. So then Ray says, "Oh, I was thinking they were like little straws sticking out of your ears."

That Girl is FUNNY!

From my anonymous #1 tonight: "At least the boy you're trying to schtoop didn't make out with an oompa-loompa. It's not fixable! You can't come back from that!"

In case you were wondering...

This just made me laugh.

Hello, Reality!

I feel like I've been on another planet for the past month or so. It feels like I've been isolated in a cave where I can do nothing but face myself, think about myself, sometimes hate myself, love myself, accept myself, and reject myself. It's been me, me, me for way too long. The past couple weeks have felt like a complete time warp. There have been amazing and terrible things all intertwined into this journey I'm on. Last week, one of my dear friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Last week I also witnessed the tragedy of what alcoholism and drug addiction bring a person to do, or in this case, not do. It also brought on a swarm of gossip about me from the workplace that I had to swallow. It's a hell of feeling to be confronted with the fact that in a meeting of twenty-ish people, not a single soul could stand up on my behalf.

Then fresh into this week I was terminated from my job over said gossip. At first a rash of anger, followed by sadness, more anger, a little spite, some smiting... I turned a corner yesterday as I started looking at my part, as I stopped to literally list on paper the things in my life I'm grateful for. A side note: toilet paper totally made the list. It's all about perspective.

There's a lot to process, and thank God I don't have to do it all today. I have this beautiful chance to sit back, reflect, and figure out what kind of direction I would like to head toward. I met with a dear mentor friend of mine this morning, and she gave me hope. She gave me permission to look at my gifts, the things I'm good at, and the things I love doing. I've been so wrapped up in the negativity and the hate. I've been wrapped up in the things people don't think I can do and in the ways I've already given up on myself. So to have a reprieve where I get to appreciate my brain, my talents, and just myself...I'll take it.

Breakfast Table.

I'm on the Winter Retreat. I'll do more explaining, Happy Holiday-wishing, catching up, etc later. Right now I need to capture and share the brilliance spoken at the breakfast table this morning.

Jess: "I don't like eggs."
Dan: "What?! You don't like eggs? That's like saying you don't like happiness."

Also according to Dan, not liking blueberries is also like not liking happiness.

I love happiness.