It has been hard for me to update my blog since 2009 rolled into 2010. 2009 was a hard year, and the "New Year is here, let's reflect on the last year" mode sent me into blog silence. I don't do resolutions. Any attempt I've made to make resolutions before has been a farce because I never have done them and never will do them. I don't believe in setting myself up for failure at the beginning of a new year. That being said, I do spend time reflecting. I'm not so sure I'm done learning from what 2009 had to teach me. Just this evening I was scanning a friend's Facebook and was able to remember a night exactly a year ago and how I felt in that moment in time. I was a shell of who I am today. I was not just broken, I was smashed in to little tiny pieces. I had no idea where my life was going, and I had little clue to where my life had been in the last 6 months. I was reviewing my blog tonight to see what I had to say this time last year, and it's no surprise to me that there wasn't a post in February. A January update included a little about what was going on, but I'm not quite convinced I was aware of my true reality when I wrote that. My first thought is this: Thank you Jesus for getting me through 2009.
2009 wasn't all bad though because when there's bad there's a whole lot of good. I grew closer to some friends, let go of toxic friends, admitted I was wrong, admitted I was right, loved more, hated less, and learned more about myself than I have in a decade. And though, I don't do resolutions, there are things I did in 2009 that I will keep doing in 2010.
I will still doubt myself all the time when I have to make decisions, but I will not act on the doubt. I will fake it until I make it.
I will still sleep with a fan on because I love the air circulating around me, though I cannot handle feeling the air on my face.
I will still put my foot in my mouth at least once a week and feel like an ass for about an hour. Then, I will call Twin, and we will laugh or tweet about it.
I will continue to not bite my nails, as I now have real nails for the first time in my life and getting those nails manicured regularly is awesome.
I will still get mad when something does not go my way.
I will still question God when something unexplainable happens (good or bad), and I want to know why.
I will still hate waking up before 8am on any day of the week.
I will continue my love of designer handbags, and I will purchase new ones despite what everyone else says about the price because it's no one's business but mine. And purses are like art to me.
I will still use Facebook and google to stalk people. I'm really good at it too.
I will continue to build relationships with distant family members, as being a part of an extended family is my favorite thing ever.
I will still sleep with my blankie.
I will still hate new social settings because I am so socially awkward it hurts. But I will go, and I will act like I'm having the time of my life, even though I really can't wait to leave.
I will still sing along to my iPod at the top of my lungs when no one else is in my car.
And last, but not least, I will continue to date despite how awkward the whole process is.
Thank you 2009 for the things I learned and the ways I grew. I'm so glad I never have to see you again.
