I'm stuck in nostalgia right now, and I'm just going to stay here for a bit. I can hardly believe a year has passed since I started my internship last Summer. May 18-August 3 was the longest 2.5 months of my life, and it changed everything. I'm still reeling from some of those changes. My heart is certainly different now than it was a year ago. My life has done a 180. I don't even have the same job. I went into last Summer knowing my life would be rocked, but also being unable to imagine how. I was content in every aspect of my life, save for the working myself to death and having no time for Rest. Capital "R" Rest involves Jesus, for those of you with questions. I spent my life hopping from activity to activity, assured that life was supposed to be spent at such a frivolous and meaningless yet consistent pace. The funny thing is my life has done a complete 180, but it's not all been for the better. I've fallen in a few important areas, but have gained pace in others. I think what I'm discovering is that it doesn't matter. I can sit ravaged by what I've done in the last year (and even undone), or I can keep moving forward.
One thing I learned last from LTP was my resilience. I get back up, or as Travis Gilbert, a dear intern friend, says, "Rachel Cooksey gets shit done." And I do. I have a stubbornness and determination that means I will be fighting until the very bitter end. Today, for example, I was with two girls I nanny on our way to their Curriculum Fair at their school. It's an open house of sorts, showcasing projects they have worked on all year. We parked a fair distance away, so we starting hoofing it toward the entrance. We were literally about half-way between the car and school when the sky opened up and POURED. Honestly, I love rain like this -- except when I have myself, two little girls, and an expensive leather handbag to keep dry. Yes, I was worried about the handbag, too. It instantly became this moment where I realized we would either be turning around and riding it out in the car, or we would get to the school as dry and fast as possible. We were out, so we just kept going. We arrived at the school pretty wet. My entire right leg & back side were drenched. Leah's hair, sweater, and shoes were wet. Hannah just had wet legs & shoes thanks to her raincoat. The odd thing was, though, we were the only ones wet. No one else seemed to get stuck at a midpoint without gear. I had this idea that there would be a ton of wet children in the entrance, and we would just laugh it out. Not the case. Instead I had this instant sense that I didn't make the right decision. I also wanted to show everyone how much wetter my clothes were so they knew I at least attempted to shelter the children. Maybe I'm terribly too self-conscious, or maybe this school has a rather smug parent population. Either way (and a little bit of both to be honest), I felt judged, and it stuck with me.
I felt judged for a better part of the Summer. I was instantly defensive because I felt thrown into a mix of people whom I had little in common with. I felt like the token misfit. This beautiful thing happened, though, as I started sharing life with these people. I saw commonalities. I felt a sense of community that will be with me for a long time. I'm not saying it happened right away. The internship was almost over by the time I felt comfortable enough to share myself. I've found even more commonalities since the internship ended. On August 5 our relationships become different. We weren't forced to know each other anymore. Our relationships with each other became a decision, and it was in this decision I realized how much I had blocked my heart from others. I saw that relationships had blossomed between other interns where I still felt a gap. That's not to say I didn't walk away with deep-rooted friendships because that's not the case. There's an unspoken understanding and flow that happens when two or more interns are gathered. It's incredible to be a part of THAT which I can't describe. However, it feels different, and that's not to say I even know what the other feels like. I can just see it on other people's faces. And I have no one to blame but myself.
It's like walking into the elementary school with two drenched kids. It's this overwhelming feeling of complete failure. Like I had this brilliant chance to be super nanny and show up for these kids because their mom couldn't, but I showed up wet. I forget that the showing up part matters, but I can't get away from noticing how wet we are. I feel like I ended the Summer wet. I was there, it happened, but things weren't right. Therein lie my regrets. I spent too much time trying to be someone I wasn't. I swear. I smoke. And I love Jesus something fierce. Somehow, I didn't think these things fit so I pretended parts A and B didn't exist and focused on C. I just didn't find it fit to ASK part C, Jesus, for a little help. I finished the internship. I'm a girl who commonly doesn't finish. I jump ship when the waters get rough, but I ignored the waves this time and continued sailing. I rode it out. I struggle with feeling like I let the people who hired me down. I feel like I didn't give them who they hired. I gave them some pompous ass, shell of a person, too scared to show her heart.
There's a lot to take in, and those in charge told us it would be this way. That a year later we'd be in complete disbelief at how much our lives changed. Tonight, I totally believe them.
I have a heart to pray for the incoming interns. Pray. Pray. Pray. I pray for the ones who feel different, other than, and judged. The beautiful thing is that we're all in the same boat regardless of what our stories look like. Sin is sin is sin. And God is Jesus is Lord.
