Every season comes to an end, inviting a freshness of new growth and change. I am so pleased to announce that a season that began for me about a year ago is finally coming to an end. I first posted here when all of this started. Truth be told I have struggled a lot with being fired from my old job. It destroyed a part of me. It was one of the most devastating things I've endured, but at the same time God has turned so much of it into good. I have met new faces, enjoyed hanging out with new kids, accepted my faults, gained insight about my heart, and faced some of my own demons. It's been one hell of a ride, and it's just finally winding down.
I have felt absolutely lost several times in the last few months. It's been hard for me to nail a direction down, and quite honestly, the needle in my compass is still quivering, but it's settling. I will be going back to school in January. I'm still not sure what path I'm going down, I'm just going to start with learning to be a student again. I have been incredibly blessed to have a job doing medical billing for my Step Dad's practice, which I can do any time from any where thanks to the internet. I continue to get my kid fix thanks to the awesome families I sit for. I really do have some great kids in my life. They keep me young, keep my perspective fresh, and remind me to not take myself so seriously.
Today was a big day that was the first big step in moving through this season. Last night, I offered to help a friend paint her house today(this never actually got done). She called me this morning and told me her 3 year old really wanted to see me and asked if I would go pick him up at preschool. Not a problem. Save for the fact that his preschool is my old job. The place where it all went down. The place I can't drive by without getting the sickest feeling in my stomach -- where I can't even think about without the bitterness and spite boiling up. So I told my friend I would be there. I had a couple of hours to prepare. I honestly did my morning crossword puzzle and got ready as normal. Then I stopped and asked/begged God for guidance and help on this one. I knew I couldn't go in there without Him. Plus, I called my tribe and let them know what was up. They all supported me. The biggest encouragement came from my friend who invited me along. She told me she believed in me, and she would be right beside me, solidly.
Preschool got out, and we were right on time. We ran into another parent in the parking lot, which I don't think was an accident. God has done this time and time again, the whole putting people at the right place at the right time type thing. I was nervous as hell, but when I saw her pull up I knew it was another person who knew my heart, trusted me with her children, and would also be standing right there. It was so nice to walk in with those two women.
My brief time in the building was mostly uneventful. Two of my former co-workers appeared genuinely happy to see me. One stopped to give me a hug. Two acted like I didn't even exist. My ex-boss saw me too. The look on her face was truly priceless. I'm sure she didn't wake up this morning expecting to see my face in her hallway. Either way, hello's were exchanged, the secretary said hello, and we were out the building.
Like I said, pretty uneventful. The fact that I went inside, huge. My dear friend pointed out later in the car as I acknowledged the two who didn't acknowledge me that they probably felt guilty. Honestly, I think that's exactly what happened. It's not like I want everyone to feel guilty for so wronging me -- which is said with complete dramatic flair. I don't know what it's like to be a part of the character assassination that happened last January because I wasn't there, but I know what it did to my heart, and I can't imagine the people present left unscathed.
Tonight, I forgive them. I forgive my boss for her inability to manage people -- the very words she spoke to me in our conference before I was terminated. I forgive her youth and lack of experience. I forgive the women who gossiped. I forgive the ones who listened to the gossip but didn't stop it. I forgive the parents who heard the gossip and questioned me. I forgive the women who didn't stand up for me. I forgive myself for not being perfect and for not taking care of the small deals that paved way for a big deal. I forgive us all for being human. I forgive God for the times I felt there was no way He was there. He was. I see it now. I just forgive, and there is so much freedom in that.
I'm really excited for the upcoming year. 2009 has been hard. That's not to say 2010 won't have it's own challenges, but I look forward to a brand new year to do grand new things and to practice what I've learned in 2009.
