A Year Later

I'm stuck in nostalgia right now, and I'm just going to stay here for a bit. I can hardly believe a year has passed since I started my internship last Summer. May 18-August 3 was the longest 2.5 months of my life, and it changed everything. I'm still reeling from some of those changes. My heart is certainly different now than it was a year ago. My life has done a 180. I don't even have the same job. I went into last Summer knowing my life would be rocked, but also being unable to imagine how. I was content in every aspect of my life, save for the working myself to death and having no time for Rest. Capital "R" Rest involves Jesus, for those of you with questions. I spent my life hopping from activity to activity, assured that life was supposed to be spent at such a frivolous and meaningless yet consistent pace. The funny thing is my life has done a complete 180, but it's not all been for the better. I've fallen in a few important areas, but have gained pace in others. I think what I'm discovering is that it doesn't matter. I can sit ravaged by what I've done in the last year (and even undone), or I can keep moving forward.

One thing I learned last from LTP was my resilience. I get back up, or as Travis Gilbert, a dear intern friend, says, "Rachel Cooksey gets shit done." And I do. I have a stubbornness and determination that means I will be fighting until the very bitter end. Today, for example, I was with two girls I nanny on our way to their Curriculum Fair at their school. It's an open house of sorts, showcasing projects they have worked on all year. We parked a fair distance away, so we starting hoofing it toward the entrance. We were literally about half-way between the car and school when the sky opened up and POURED. Honestly, I love rain like this -- except when I have myself, two little girls, and an expensive leather handbag to keep dry. Yes, I was worried about the handbag, too. It instantly became this moment where I realized we would either be turning around and riding it out in the car, or we would get to the school as dry and fast as possible. We were out, so we just kept going. We arrived at the school pretty wet. My entire right leg & back side were drenched. Leah's hair, sweater, and shoes were wet. Hannah just had wet legs & shoes thanks to her raincoat. The odd thing was, though, we were the only ones wet. No one else seemed to get stuck at a midpoint without gear. I had this idea that there would be a ton of wet children in the entrance, and we would just laugh it out. Not the case. Instead I had this instant sense that I didn't make the right decision. I also wanted to show everyone how much wetter my clothes were so they knew I at least attempted to shelter the children. Maybe I'm terribly too self-conscious, or maybe this school has a rather smug parent population. Either way (and a little bit of both to be honest), I felt judged, and it stuck with me.

I felt judged for a better part of the Summer. I was instantly defensive because I felt thrown into a mix of people whom I had little in common with. I felt like the token misfit. This beautiful thing happened, though, as I started sharing life with these people. I saw commonalities. I felt a sense of community that will be with me for a long time. I'm not saying it happened right away. The internship was almost over by the time I felt comfortable enough to share myself. I've found even more commonalities since the internship ended. On August 5 our relationships become different. We weren't forced to know each other anymore. Our relationships with each other became a decision, and it was in this decision I realized how much I had blocked my heart from others. I saw that relationships had blossomed between other interns where I still felt a gap. That's not to say I didn't walk away with deep-rooted friendships because that's not the case. There's an unspoken understanding and flow that happens when two or more interns are gathered. It's incredible to be a part of THAT which I can't describe. However, it feels different, and that's not to say I even know what the other feels like. I can just see it on other people's faces. And I have no one to blame but myself.

It's like walking into the elementary school with two drenched kids. It's this overwhelming feeling of complete failure. Like I had this brilliant chance to be super nanny and show up for these kids because their mom couldn't, but I showed up wet. I forget that the showing up part matters, but I can't get away from noticing how wet we are. I feel like I ended the Summer wet. I was there, it happened, but things weren't right. Therein lie my regrets. I spent too much time trying to be someone I wasn't. I swear. I smoke. And I love Jesus something fierce. Somehow, I didn't think these things fit so I pretended parts A and B didn't exist and focused on C. I just didn't find it fit to ASK part C, Jesus, for a little help. I finished the internship. I'm a girl who commonly doesn't finish. I jump ship when the waters get rough, but I ignored the waves this time and continued sailing. I rode it out. I struggle with feeling like I let the people who hired me down. I feel like I didn't give them who they hired. I gave them some pompous ass, shell of a person, too scared to show her heart.

There's a lot to take in, and those in charge told us it would be this way. That a year later we'd be in complete disbelief at how much our lives changed. Tonight, I totally believe them.

I have a heart to pray for the incoming interns. Pray. Pray. Pray. I pray for the ones who feel different, other than, and judged. The beautiful thing is that we're all in the same boat regardless of what our stories look like. Sin is sin is sin. And God is Jesus is Lord.

So Excite!

I've been on a roller coaster of a journey since the beginning of 2009. A lot has happened since I got fired of my job in January, but has all served as a huge reminder of Who really is in charge. I spent the rest of January and most of February in a job-hunting, depression-filled fog. I still managed to rake in money babysitting, but my heart was never where my feet were. I went back and forth between wanting to continue to work with kids to feeling like I was fooling myself thinking I was gifted in that area. Turns out the latter was just my mind lying to me. I had to fight off a lot of the negativity that came from the whole situation surrounding my termination. I had a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse over things I didn't do and things I could have done differently. The blessing is that today I know things have happened exactly how they were supposed to. It is absolutely incredible to experience God using pain for growth and for good.

I am incredibly blessed to be able to work for my Step-Dad's medical practice remotely. That has been the largest blessing of them all. It gives me routine and structure during the days I'm not babysitting or doing other things. I forgot what "other things" I liked to do. I have an enormous list of dear friends that have been snubbed and relationships placed on the back burner because I was too lost internally to have an ounce to give to anyone. I pray the relationships that matter will stay, that they aren't too far broken to be repaired.

I feel a little restored which is ironic tonight because I feel exhausted. The list of people I want to see and share life with goes with me everywhere, whether I'm working, sleeping, or playing. I know I can't tackle it all in one day or even one week, but I'm taking a serious look at my schedule and beginning to add moments with these people.

Originally this post was going to be just a list of five things that have excited me lately, which is what's coming right now.

In no particular order...


An assorted bag of Jelly Bellys is AMAZING. It's like a million desserts in tiny morsels of deliciousness.


My Dad, who is a landscape architect, let me have the window box on the back of the house to plant whatever herbs I wanted. This is a huge deal because he's usually very particular about what he plants. I'm excited that I picked out all the plants (lavender, rosemary, and dill) all by myself. We're also planting vegetables in the back. I'm so excited!


I love office supplies. Seriously, Staples is one of my favorite stores, and I could spend money on all sorts of junk I would never use. Actually, I would find a use for it. Regardless, I love going office supply shopping.


Last night I had dinner at the Hammonds', and it was a great night! The weather was absolutely perfect, and I mean perfect. No humidity, perfect temperature, light breeze, and no bugs. We ate delicious burgers that Aaron grilled, and then we talked and laughed our tails off. I love moments like that!


We recently made a trip to Phoenix to hang with my Grandma, aunt & uncle, two cousins, and their cute families. It was such a fun weekend. My siblings and I are a lot younger than the rest of our cousins, so we are getting to know them as adults, which is so much fun. I really have a great family, and I am so grateful for each member!

FACEinHOLE

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Why no, I won't share my earbuds with you.

TWICE this week, I've been asked if someone could borrow my earbuds. Without hesitation my response has been, "uhm NO!" I now feel the need to explain. I first want all of you to grab your precious earbuds & look at the part that goes in your ears. Some of you will notice nasty ear-juice residue left on your earbuds. My explanation is over. I don't want my own ear-juice residue in my own ears, yet alone YOURS.

Sick. Now click this to find out why you need to invest in alcohol swabs & do some disinfecting. While you're disinfecting, don't forget your cell phones either. Think of all the crap on your cell phone that regularly gets smushed up against your skin. Again, I say SICK!

Today's lesson is now over.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm proving to be a bad sister because I haven't responded to my own twin's genius. Fear not, it's coming. I just struggle because she's not nearly as funny as I am. KIDDING!

103rd Street

I remembered something hilarious today. A couple years ago we were pulling off the highway at 103rd Street. My Grandma was in the car, and I'm not sure who was driving. As we approached the light at the end of the off ramp, my cute Grandma saw the sign that said "103rd Street" and kindly remarked, "Oh, one-oh-three are-dee Street."

I can't drive on 103rd to this day without thinking about her. Hilarious.

Name Twin.

This is dated. I forgot to publish it. It's a month old, but I love my beloved Ray Ray, so I'm posting it now.

My beloved name twin made me just giggle tonight. She brings so much joy to my life on a regular basis, and tonight was no exception.

We were chatting after New Community, and I was commenting on how loud worship was on my ears. I told Ray that I had just gotten tubes in my ears, and she looked at me, then goes, "I wanna see!" & proceeds to look in my ear.

I laugh, explain that the tubes are in my ear drum, therefore you can't see them. So then Ray says, "Oh, I was thinking they were like little straws sticking out of your ears."

That Girl is FUNNY!

From my anonymous #1 tonight: "At least the boy you're trying to schtoop didn't make out with an oompa-loompa. It's not fixable! You can't come back from that!"